


A Different Future

by right_at_the_end



Category: Torchwood
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-19 03:14:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7342384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/right_at_the_end/pseuds/right_at_the_end
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Rhys had not come back after Abaddon's destruction? A very Harcooper/Gwack orientated fic, from Jack's POV. Begins at End of Days (series 1 finale). New chapter every Tuesday. Thank you! xx</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. End of Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> First Torchwood fic. Jack's POV. Kind of a setting-up chapter I suppose, bear with me.  
> Comment if you have any strong feelings about where this should go.  
> Enjoy! xxx

Panic was beginning to rise in Gwen's eyes again as she described the vision.  
I wanted to shake her, to kick something, to either release my rage and envy or ask her why, _why did she care about him? When she had cheated on him and slept with Owen and gone against what she had once stood for and she still wouldn't give in to me..._ but I wouldn't give in to her either.  
I suppose that was our problem.  
Instead of acting out, I gave her my hand to steady her. Although I couldn't promise her anything, still I found myself saying "It's not gonna happen."  
My stomach jolted a little at the certainty in my voice. How could I say anything for sure? And yet Gwen had found her focus again, she was nodding at me, clutching my hand as she regained her balance. Wasn't it worth it just to know I could offer her something?  
"Come on, there's still work to be done." Calm, authoritative, reassuring. The reliable boss, as always.

Only moments had passed when everything went dark. Now I was uneasy. Alarms screeched and a terrible feeling of apprehension washed over me. I spoke without really thinking about what I was saying, a last, desperate bid to stop Gwen, who was already backing up with her shoulders tensed again.  
_Security breach._  
"Nobody panic." Clichéd, uncertain and really useless. A gut wrenching cry tore itself from Gwen's chest as she fled down towards the vaults. I flew after her, a million unwanted images flashing across my mind of what could be waiting for her down there. I had to get there first-if anything happened to her...  
But she was too fast in her panic, and when I finally reached her, she was standing over Rhys' body. He lay in a pool of his own blood. Pale and lifeless. I felt dizzy; I had feared something would happen to her, that some creature would be waiting here for her and I wouldn't be able to save her, but this was so much worse. She would rather die. I felt physically sick.  
" _It's not gonna happen._ "  
I had lied to her. I had lied, and now she was clutching the man she adored to her chest and screaming in outright agony. I placed my fingers where Rhys' pulse should have been, but it was too late, and we both knew it.  
Gwen looked at me, her eyes begging me to do something, to help her. "We can-we can bring him back!"  
I held her, holding back the tears, and forced her to look at me. "There's nothing we can do!"  
"There is!" She was holding him and crying like a mother over her son, desperate for anything that would bring him back. Gwen, my Gwen, always so strong and brave, suddenly so vulnerable and scared and pained. And it was my fault. I'd got her into this mess.  
And her scream was the pain within her overflowing, and I hid my face away to escape it for just a few moments because _I couldn't take it._

*

It was worse when she was quiet. Sitting there, staring at her boyfriend's body, as pale and wan as he was. I wiped his blood from her fingers and kept my mouth shut, because she attacked Tosh and Ianto when they tried to offer help or comfort. In a way I was glad; she was still headstrong and there was no way she was backing down, even if that would have been the easy way.  
_You won't "deal with him," Ianto._  
But when she smiled her eyes were dead, an that was what was killing me. I let go of her hand.  
"This is what happens here," she said. "We all end up alone." She was wrong... _wrong_...  
She continued. "But not me. No way." I could feel her eyes burning into my soul, and I knew what she was to ask of me. "You bring him back."  
Suddenly, despite everything else I was feeling-the shame, the pity, the sorrow-a sharp jolt of envy cut through me like a blade. "No," I replied curtly. What was I doing? Was I doing this because of the dangers of the rift or because of my own selfishness? Surely I didn't have it in me to do this to Gwen for myself, did I?  
"The resurrection gauntlet-"  
"-was destroyed," Ianto interjected.  
"You could have something else."  
"I said no." My voice sounded hollow and strange.  
"No, there's...something wrong with time, so...we can...we can go back, and...to the moment, to the very moment..."  
"Gwen!"  
"Well there's got to be something you can do, otherwise what's the fucking point of you?!" she screamed. I couldn't look at her, see the accusation in her eyes.  
She rushed at me, howling and begging and pleading, and it hurt but I needed it. I needed her to hit me, kick me, do _something_ so I knew she was still alive. She collapsed in my arms, crying bitterly, and I knew I was forgiven.  
She always understood.  
I didn't care that Tosh and Ianto were still there. The tears came and I couldn't hold them back. I held her because she couldn't stand anymore and I wished there was something more I could do.

I didn't even notice that Owen had come in until he tore her from me.  
_He caused this._  
I banished the thought from my mind.  
Owen was trying to talk to Gwen but she shoved him away, hissing venomous words at him and backing off, retreating to her cold and silent seat by Rhys' side.

Before I could even catch my breath, Owen had taken his opportunity.  
"How many people have got to suffer?"  
So he blamed me, too. Well that wasn't fair. I hadn't caused this, and I sure as hell wasn't going to make it worse by listening to some time-hopping janitor telling us to open the rift. We didn't even know what his motives were. Why would he help us?  
"I'm gonna fix this," Owen whispered. "I'm opening the rift."  
He ran off up the stairs towards the computer, but I didn't have to do anything because Ianto-good, loyal Ianto-was already moving. I could stay here and look after Gwen.  
"Make sure you stop him," I warned.  
And Ianto turned to me.  
And he spoke.  
"No."  
One single, tiny word. It seemed to take all his strength to say it, and it shattered all my securities. Ianto? How could Ianto turn against me?  
He and Toshiko moved to follow Owen.  
"We're gonna help him," Tosh said, and disappeared through the curtain and out of the autopsy room.  
Gwen, with a sudden burst of energy, darted up the stairs after them, only stopping to tell me "Bilis was right. He said open the rift and everything goes back to normal. Owen's right. I'm gonna get Rhys back."  
Now I was truly horrified. My team, my wonderful, loyal team...they had trusted me, hadn't they? When had it gone wrong? And with Gwen on their side, in her current state, I knew there'd be no stopping them.  
"Gwen!" I shouted after her. But it was too late.

When I got to the computers, Gwen had already taken control. I knew she was trying to fight down the guilt. I knew she would blame herself. She was trying to fix things.  
How would she feel if I let her do this and it only made things worse?  
"Get away from the computer, Gwen."  
Owen stepped in front of me, blocking my way. I tried to warn him once more.  
"This is a trap. All these cracks around the world, they're diversions. This is what Bilis wants!"  
Owen looked almost tired. "What are you afraid of, Jack?" Behind him, Ianto was giving Gwen the security codes. That was the final straw. I drew out my gun from its holster and aimed it at them.  
"I said move!"  
They all turned to face me now, each as surprised as the other. Clearly they had thought they could win me over.  
"What the hell are you doing?" cried Tosh.  
"Final warning," I replied.  
Gwen moved towards me, and somehow I managed not to falter as I aimed the gun at her. We both knew I could never shoot, and yet...what was that awful sensation rising in the pit of my stomach?  
_Anger._ Anger directed at Gwen.  
"Come on, Jack," she said softly, the strength gone from her voice once more.  
"You're a united front now," I said thickly, not quite looking Gwen in the eye. All the rage and desperation in me was threatening to boil over. "Toshiko, the poor girl who'll screw any passing alien who gives her a pendant." Part of me recoiled at my own harsh words, but something in me felt a sick satisfaction seeing the hurt in her eyes. As if I was giving what I was getting.  
"Owen, so strong he gets in a cage with a Weevil, desperate to be mauled. Ianto, hiding his cyber girlfriend in the basement." Ianto, surprisingly, looked angry rather than hurt. I almost felt guilty. Almost. "Your three comrades here pumped bullets into her, remember?!"  
Gwen approached me pleadingly. "I've got to get Rhys back."  
That was it. Jesus Christ I hated her. I loved her more than anything, but I was _so angry with her_. I lowered my gun.  
"Yeah," I spat bitterly, "'cause you're so in love with Rhys you spend half your time in Owen's bed."

Then I was on the floor and Gwen was shouting distantly but all I could focus on was the sting where she'd struck me.  
_God, it felt good._  
I looked up to see that Owen had my gun.  
"We're relieving you of your command, captain! We're opening that rift and getting back what we lost!"  
I pulling myself up, holding my split lip. Owen screamed at me to stay down.  
"You wanna be in charge, Owen?" I sneered cruelly, truly enraged. _Everything was falling apart._ "You've gotta have significantly bigger balls."  
I stood. He shot. Everything stopped.  
Simple as that.

*

Like shards of ice through my lungs came my first breath. Gulps of air in my lungs like I was drowning, and for a moment I knew nothing else. I reached out and grabbed for something to hold on to, and just so happened to catch hold of Gwen, who yelped in surprise. Alarms were blaring an lights were flashing. Something was really, terribly wrong. How long had I been dead?  
Gwen caught my hand in both of hers and removed it from her leg.  
"What have you done?" I asked her. She didn't seem sure herself.  
The entire hub was shaking as Gwen and Ianto helped me to my feet. Sheer blind panic took over as we fought to get out of the building. I leaned on Gwen as she led me out towards the exit. I saw Ianto grab my coat on his way out...I would have to thank him for that later.  
Then we were out on the street and Gwen was telling me everything would go back to the way it was, but something felt wrong. Gwen let go as we came to a halt and stepped out in front of the group.  
Bilis stood before her, proud, birdlike and out of place.  
"From out of the darkness, He is come!" he proclaimed.  
"What is he talking about?" asked Gwen.  
"Son of the Great Beast! Cast out before time, chained in rock and imprisoned beneath the rift!"  
My stomach lurched. I had wanted so very much to be wrong.  
" _What?_ " Gwen shouted, her voice trembling now.  
Bilis' eyes rose up to fix on something above and behind us. "All hail Abaddon, the Great Devourer, come to feast on life!"  
Upon turning to follow his gaze, we were met with the sight of a horrific beast, 100 stories high. It looked like a creature of Greek mythology, with horns like the Devil. Its roar shook the ground beneath us.  
_Abaddon._  
_No, no, no..._  
"The whole world shall die beneath his shadow!"

The monster lurched across the city, crushing buildings in its path. Screams of terror came from all around us. Everyone its shadow touched fell to the ground, dead. Bilis was speaking again.  
"I look upon my God and know my work is done!" And he vanished.

The rest of the team looked completely lost, but my mind was fast coming up with solutions. Gwen came towards me, a fresh terror in her beautiful eyes. I felt such remorse for hurting her, yet nothing I had said seemed unfair or untrue.  
"Tell me what to do, Jack!"  
Who else could I trust to listen to me now?  
"Just you," I ordered her, "Get me to an open space."

*

Gwen stopped the SUV and I jumped out into the massive field she had driven us into. I heard her follow me, no doubt ready to stop me in case I did something stupid.  
"What are you gonna do?!" she cried.  
"If Abaddon is the bringer of death," I responded breathlessly, "let's see how he does with me. If he feeds on life, then I'm an all you can eat buffet."  
The words were scarcely out of my mouth before she dragged me to a stop.  
"No, wait! Wait, you're too weak!"  
She was right, I knew she was. Deep down I was terrified that I wasn't going to come back from this.  
I had no choice.  
"Get out of here," I said, once again avoiding her gaze. I knew she wouldn't go far. She wouldn't leave me.  
She would still see.  
Gwen was trying to stop me, but I screamed at her and she let go. I stormed up towards the great demon before I could give myself the chance to reconsider.  
"Drive as fast as you can!"  
I knew she wouldn't. My name on her lips as I walked away told me that much.

"Bring it on!" I yelled, grabbing Abaddon's attention. Already he could sense something different about me. I fought with myself as he thundered towards me, begging myself not to run.  
I was so scared.  
Finally his shadow touched me, and death came but wouldn't abandon me. The worst, most horrendous, unbearable pain moved through every fibre of my being. I tried with all my might to black out, but I couldn't. I was blind, completely blind, and my tortured cries were not my own anymore. Finally the demon above me fell crashing to the ground, and I was released.

*

Nothingness. Not even darkness exactly, just...nothing. Absence. Completely alone. Waiting to claw my way back to the living world.  
I couldn't.  
I tried so hard to find the warmth of life like I usually did, to grasp it and let it carry me back to the ones I loved.  
I couldn't.

A voice. A single, echoing voice in the darkness.  
_Gwen._  
It was just echoing sobs in my head, but it was her.

I spent an eternity like that, not knowing what was going to happen. No matter what I did I couldn't revive myself. I almost made it when I focused on her voice, but it wasn't enough. 

Sometimes she spoke to me.  
"Wake up, Jack."  
"Come on, wake up."  
"Please, Jack. For me. Please. Please..."  
For her.  
She sounded so empty.  
Sometimes there was a little warmth on my forehead, my arms, my chest.

At last, I heard her say,  
"I believe in him."  
Warmth wrapping itself around my hand.  
Where was I? I needed to get back to wherever I was.  
A burst of heat spread through me, radiating from my lips down through my body, and that was what carried me back. It was a lot easier than usual. No broken glass in my chest.  
I nearly cried; _I had made it._

I could hear footsteps going away from me, behind me. I was so cold. I couldn't move. My mouth was dry like it always was when I had just revived, but my lips were warm and damp.  
Someone had kissed me. Kissed me goodbye?  
It clicked.  
_Gwen!_

"Thank you," I managed to say. It was almost a whisper, but only seconds later her face was above mine, radiant and glowing. She was smiling down at me. Tear tracks down her cheeks. Her hair hadn't been washed in days.  
How long had I been dead?

Gwen clung to me like she was afraid I'd get away again, and that nearly made the whole, awful, lengthened death worthwhile. I managed a smile for her.  
We were okay.  
"Oh, God...you're back...you're okay... _you're okay_..."  
"Did you miss me?" I asked softly. My limbs were slowly starting to loosen up again.  
More weeping was my answer. Gwen rested her head on my chest and after some time, my arms could move enough for me to hold her.  
"You brought me back," I told her. "Thank you." It felt so inadequate.  
"I...the others said...but I couldn't leave you, Jack, I couldn't lose you." She straightened up. "The others are putting away your things."  
I raised my eyebrows in shock. "How long...?"  
"Just over a week, Jack."  
I looked around and realized we were in the morgue.  
"Oh, God...here, help me up."  
"Jack, you're still grey!"  
"Please?"  
Reluctantly, she helped me sit up and waited with me while the dizziness and throbbing in my head subsided.

"So, how's Rhys? Did he remember anything?"  
Gwen looked at me, fresh sadness and hurt in her eyes. She cleared her throat a couple of times before answering.  
"R-Rhys, he...he didn't come back."  
My heart sank. "What?"  
"His body is gone but he didn't come back. He's gone...oh, Jack, he's gone!" she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes once more.  
"Shh, shh, hey! Hey, listen, stop." I clutched her to me again, standing up and cradling her in my arms. "This doesn't mean he won't come back at all. It could just be a slight time shift, a delay. Don't give up. Okay?"  
She looked up at me, her eyes watering, and nodded. "Sorry, Jack. I should've listened to you."  
"No, Gwen, I'm sorry. I should've handled the situation much differently than I did. You were grieving. Besides, I'm the one who brought you into this place."  
"Yes, you are," she said, "and I wouldn't change it for the world."  
She smiled at me, and I wanted so badly to kiss her. She reached for my hand and slung my arm over her shoulder, supporting me.  
"Come on. Better go and tell them to welcome the boss back."

*

Six hours later, I was sitting in my office. I had talked things over with everyone, given Owen his job back. I had even kissed Ianto, though I felt a little guilty afterwards. I knew he had feelings for me and he was attractive, but Jesus, Gwen had been standing _right there._ The three of them had gone out for coffee. I think they understood that Gwen and I needed some time. Gwen was still with me, sitting on the desk. Tosh told me Gwen hadn't left my side for more than ten minutes all week. _I loved her._ She hadn't left my side since that morning when I had revived. I wasn't complaining-I wanted her there. We had a lot to talk about anyway, and I could tell she was only hiding her worry over Rhys for my sake.

 

"What's happened to the rift?" Gwen asked abruptly.  
"It closed up when Abaddon was destroyed," I replied, "but it's gonna be more volatile than ever."  
"The visions we had. We all saw people we loved. What did you see?"  
_You, Gwen. You, lying in a pool of your own blood, just like Rhys, with no way to save you._  
"Nothing," I lied, my voice echoing against the walls. "There was nothing."  
"Jack?" Her voice was tender and careful. "What would have tempted you? What visions would have convinced you to open the rift?"  
_I almost was convinced. What do you want me to say?_  
I answered truthfully this time.  
"The right kind of doctor." I stood up, wishing very much to end the conversation before it became emotional again.  
"Jack? she said again, perhaps trying to stop me. I ignored her and walked out.  
"Where are they with those coffees?" 

Something caught my attention.  
The hand jar... _the hand jar_...  
"Jack, what about Rhys?"  
"He might come back," I said distractedly. Familiar whooshing sounds were coming from above ground; I would have skipped out of there if it wasn't for her.  
"But he might be dead." Her voice caught a little and I turned back to her. "What do I do, Jack? What am I supposed to tell his family?"  
"You want my honest opinion?" I asked, taking her shoulders and looking straight into her eyes. She held her gaze steadily as a reply. "Report him as missing. be honest about where you last saw him before you took him here. Tell his family the same thing you tell the police. That way if he turns up a little bit away from here-and it won't be far if he does, don't worry-you'll get him back safely and quickly. Okay?" I kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry, Gwen. He seems like a good guy."  
_Liar. Envious liar._  
She choked back a sob, then looked back at me and managed a weak smile. "Okay. And thank you, Jack. For everything."  
I drew her in close, held her for a moment, then turned to leave. The whooshing sounds had just stopped so I knew I had to move fast or I'd miss him. I grabbed the hand jar and ran for the exits. Ignored Gwen when she called after me. Although it hurt to leave her, this could be my only chance. And besides, she'd be fine. She was strong, and I knew she'd have Rhys back in a few days.

_What visions would have convinced you to open the rift?_  
_The right kind of doctor._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry this one was so drawn out and pretty much exactly the same as the episode, I just needed a starting point where I could get inside Jack's head and kick off the story. This fic will follow the same basic timeline as the series but it will be a very different story, and there will be bits left out and extra things tacked on...I'll play it by ere!  
> It's finally Summer holidays for me so hopefully I won't abandon this one. Let me know what you think.  
> See you next week, I hope! xxx


	2. A Crack in the Armour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Gwen...oh, god...I'm so sorry...Gwen..."  
> I took her gently in my arms and carried her out of the container, breaking into a run and heading in the direction of the others.  
> " _Owen! Owen, she's here! Help me! Owen, please! Owen! I have Gwen! Help me!_ " I was still screaming for him as Owen came sprinting towards me. I laid her on the ground in front of him. She was completely still, and her hands were so cold. I prayed it was just from the night air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I'm so sorry I put up a chapter late already! This one follows the episode "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" (series 2, episode 1). However, it doesn't follow it to the same extent as the last chapter followed "End of Days." This is quite a lengthy chapter, but it's the last one for a good while that will use so much from an episode. Next chapter will be entirely original, I promise.  
> TW for implications of self harm/possible suicide attempt (very brief).  
> Thanks for reading! xx

Killing a blowfish wouldn't have been my number one choice for a happy reunion with my team. And I would have expected something more than stony silence in the SUV all the way back to the hub after I saving them a lot of trouble, but no. Stony silence it was.  
It still got us back to the hub, with the familiar whir of machines all around us and the rest of the teams' voices echoing around the walls.  
_God, it was good to be back._

Yet it was very different now; like I wasn't even there, like I was supposed to be learning from what they were doing. I had left them, and suddenly they were coping without me. I wasn't needed anymore. They certainly weren't happy to see me, that was for sure, but I doubted that that would last too much longer.  
Watching them moving briskly, sorting the case with calm confidence, I felt both proud and jealous. They were doing so well, but they really didn't need me anymore.

Gwen seemed to be in charge. I was again proud, so proud, but I couldn't look at her. I knew she was only in charge here because I had let her down.  
I wanted to talk to her, to ask how she'd been, to ask when Rhys had come back, but I held my tongue on those matters.

"Got pretty organized without me," I stated. An obvious effort to generate some conversation.  
"Yeah, well, we had to," Gwen replied stiffly, the first words she had spoken to me since my return.  
"Hey, did you decorate in here?"  
The pointless question was barely out of my mouth when Gwen shoved me hard against the wall-to shut me up, to take out her anger on me, I don't know.  
"You _left_ us, Jack!"  
I sighed, still refusing to make eye contact with her. "I know, I'm sorry."  
"We knew _nothing_ , Jack." She sounded desperate and disappointed and I hated myself for it but honestly, I wouldn't have stayed even if I had know this was coming. I had gotten some much-needed answers. At last I met Gwen's eyes and had to consciously catch my breath.  
_There was something she wasn't telling me._  
"Where were you?" asked Tosh, in the same voice she used on the criminals and wrongdoers we dealt with on missions.  
I smiled reminiscently. "I found my Doctor."  
"Did he fix you?" Owen this time.

_"What about me, can you fix that? Will I ever be able to die?"_  
_"Nothing I can do. You're an impossible thing, Jack."_

"What's to fix?" I shrugged. "You don't mess with this level of perfection." I saw Gwen smirk unwillingly and it was the sweetest thing I'd seen that past year.  
"Are you going to go back to him?" Ianto sounded as though he didn't want the answer to this.  
I sighed. I knew what he wanted to hear, so I directed it at him-"I came back for you."  
But I couldn't leave it at that, not when she was standing right in front of me and I still wasn't forgiven.  
" _All_ of you," I added, catching Gwen's gaze and holding it almost forcefully. She still looked uncertain; my chest tightened.  
The beeping of rift activity on the monitor dragged Tosh, Owen and Ianto away. They seemed almost glad to go, but I didn't mind too much. Things would heal.  
Gwen took her time leaving, though. Her eyes seemed to be simultaneously analyzing me and begging me for something.  
Help?

*

Later on, at the body of the man who had been pushed off the roof, the team seemed almost irritated to have me back. Not all the time, just sometimes. Little side remarks and comments told me that they were still annoyed at my having disappeared and expecting to be immediately recognized as the boss on return. I was sure when I saw the hologram that my next actions would only make these feelings worse; this time I was not only leaving without explanation. I was taking the SUV and stranding them. Although I had no doubt they would follow me, at least it would buy me some time with one John Hart.

He was taking shots in the empty bar when I arrived. I didn't speak a word to him when he stood up to greet me. I was too busy trying to figure out what I was feeling-attraction, yes, but also a very definite shock and worry upon seeing him back. He annoyed me much of the time and that was reason enough for not wanting him around, but the man had absolutely no moral code, and I had seen him kill and destroy too many times. Certainly, no good could come of him being here.  
Still, attraction and frustration at the days events-at Ianto for trying so hard, at myself for leading him on and _still_ not having talked to Gwen-were the peak of all this, and wordlessly our lips crashed together in a kiss that was both painful and intoxicated. We pulled back after a few seconds and as we both seemingly had too much within us and nowhere to vent it, we reverted to our old tradition of fighting.  
Kicks were thrown, punches to the jaw and stomach, we pushed each other through doors. Glass and bottles flew everywhere as we tossed each other through the bar in a fury of adrenaline and heightened emotions. I put everything into every blow. A punch to the side of his face; my fear of my own sickening immortality. A kick to his groin; my frustration at not being able to tell Ianto "no." Every blow after that was Gwen, and nearly every injury I took was a penance.

We stopped abruptly, facing each other, guns drawn, laughing manically.  
"You've put on weight."  
"You're losing your hair."  
"What are you wearing?" he asked.  
"Captain Jack Harkness, note the stripes," I said.  
"Captain John Hart, note the sarcasm," he retorted.  
"Hey, I worked my way up through the ranks."  
"I'll bet the ranks were very grateful," John sneered. "I need a drink."  
"I thought you'd never ask."

Between the shock of discovering the end of the Time Agency and the attempts to get John to leave, I hadn't noticed the shadows in the doorways like he had. I had ducked because I thought briefly he would shoot me. He shot the glass doors instead.  
"Alright, everybody out!"  
_See, if I had been with them, I would've told them to keep back in the shadows...they do need me back._

Out came my team, guns at the ready, from either side.  
"Everything alright, Jack?" called Gwen tensely.  
"Okay, okay, okay!" I yelled.  
"You've got a team!" cried John gleefully. "How sweet...oh. Pretty little friend." He turned back to face me. "No blonde, though. You need a blonde."  
Owen muttered something I couldn't quite catch, then John continued.  
"Do you have a team name? Love team names. Come on!"  
"Torchwood," I spat venomously.  
"Oh," he replied, eyebrows raised skeptically, "not Excalibur? Blizzard? Bikini Corps? No? Torchwood...oh, dear."  
By now I was entirely fed up with him. I wanted him to leave. He was bound to cause trouble with my team, and knowing him, it wouldn't be small scale.  
"Gwen Cooper, Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper, meet-"  
"Captain John Hart," he interjected.  
"We go back," I said, stopping just short of _unfortunately._  
"We more than _go back,_ we were partners."  
"In what way?" Ianto asked suspiciously. I cringed slightly.  
"In every way," John said, "and then some."  
"It was two weeks," I objected, trying to get him to shut up by death-staring him-Gwen was _right there_...  
"Except those two weeks were trapped in a time loop, so we were together for five years. It was like having a wife."  
I fought down the sudden urge to giggle at the memory. " _You_ were the wife," I said.  
" _You_ were the wife."  
"No. _You_ were the wife."  
"Oh, but I was a _good_ wife," he grinned. He was like a puppy vying for attention, irritating but cute. I wanted him to go away.  
"I bet you were," Toshiko cut in, and the rest of the team looked at her awkwardly.  
"What?" she said. "Don't pretend you haven't noticed. He's cute."  
"They're just shy," John assured her.

Eventually I got him to state his intentions, his reasons for being here. I didn't believe his story, but I reached the unfortunate conclusion that to discover what he was really up to, I would have to let him stay here and carry out his mission...even if it was fake. We would have to help him find these so-called "radiation cluster bombs."  
Time to let him see my house, then.

*

After I had brought John into the hub through the front entrance and he had been stripped of his multitude of weapons, Gwen and I walked away from the main area to discuss what to do with him. My stomach lurched as soon as we were out of sight of the others-this was the ideal time to talk to her, apologize, ask how she'd been, but part of me thought it might not like the answers.  
"He's a compulsive liar," Gwen was saying. "Why is he in the building?"  
"There is the tiniest, one percent chance that he's breaking the habit of a lifetime and telling the truth. Which means that this city is in danger."  
"What did he mean by a Time Agent? You've never mentioned it." I loved Gwen's inquisitive side, perhaps in a narcissistic way, but sometimes she asked too many questions I didn't want to answer and I could see this turning into one of those times.  
"That was in the past," I told her.  
"Oh. Here we go again." She laughed slightly, hiding her frustration with me. "You know everything about me, Jack. Why do you keep shutting me out?"  
_Because I'm afraid of you knowing the terrible things I've done. Because if I let you in, you'll never let me go._  
"Here and now, that's what's important," I insisted. "The work we do, the person I am now, that's what I'm proud of."  
"Then why did you desert us?!" There was a new kind of sadness in her eyes. I thought she must have been disappointed in me, I had let her down. I stared back at her, a little stung, unable to answer. "Where did you go?" I looked away momentarily. "No, no, come on. Where did you go? Tell me." I raised my head again to see that her liquid brown eyes were still focused on me. "Talk to me."  
_I want to._  
Finally, I found the words. "I have died so many times. Been dragged back to life, like being hauled over broken glass. I saw the end of the world."  
"How?" she asked.  
"It doesn't matter now," I reassured her. "But after it was all over, I knew I belong here. What kept me fighting was the thought of coming home to you." I knew the tears in my voice would betray the fact that I really did mean her. She held my gaze, I held hers. I reached for her arm and ran my fingers down towards her hand, but something stopped me before I got there. I furrowed my brow and lifted her wrist gently, turning it so the palm of her hand faced me. Before I could look properly, she snatched her hand away.  
"Don't mind that, it's nothing. Plaster must have come off earlier when we were after you and Captain Hart." She was lying to me, I knew it.  
"Gwen, let me see it, please."  
"It's nothing, Jack!" she insisted, more defiantly this time.  
Now I was incredibly concerned. "If it's nothing, why won't you let me take a look?" I asked, as calmly as possible.  
"I'm going back, we have work to do-"  
She was too late; I grabbed her as she turned to go, holding her with her back against me and taking her left hand in mine to look at it over her shoulder. Her hair tickled my face and her breathing was heavy. I felt her give in against me and the tension left her body.

I nudged her bracelet out of the way with my thumb, and my blood ran cold. Two ragged, deep scars ran from one side of her wrist to the other, right where her veins were.  
"Gwen?" My voice was a low whisper. I let her go, knowing she'd stay, and turned her softly to face me. She kept her eyes closed. I checked her right wrist; nothing, thank god.  
"Gwen, look at me, please," I begged, gripping her shoulders. Reluctantly, she opened her eyes and met mine. She was slightly tearful, but not yet crying, and her voice sounded hard and angry.  
"You were _gone_ , Jack. Nobody could tell me what would happen." Her lip trembled. I could see her fighting to hold it together.  
"What? Gwen, you don't need me to tell you anything. You handled everything I do and more when I was away!"  
"No, no, that's...I mean...Rhys, he...he still hasn't come back." A single tear left the corner of her eye, but other than that she was completely still. I blinked a couple of times.  
_How...I had just presumed...oh, god, no...please...not my Gwen, she doesn't deserve this..._

"Oh, Jesus...Gwen...I'm...if I'd known..."  
"I know."  
"I'm so sorry."  
"I know."  
"Gwen, please tell me what happened."  
"Not now, Jack. Not...I'm not..." Her voice cracked and I pulled her in close, cradling her in my arms. She was sobbing quietly, and at last I felt my own tears overflow.  
_I'd let her down. I had abandoned her just when everything went wrong...had left her with nobody who truly knew her...and she'd..._  
It didn't bear thinking about.  
We stayed there for a long while, holding each other up, letting everything flow out of us, each knowing that the other wouldn't think any less of us than before. Eventually we ended up sitting on the floor against the wall, my arm around her shoulders, her head on my chest.

It was Gwen who spoke first. Her voice was hoarse and she cleared her throat before speaking, a sure sign that she was pulling herself together and getting back into her usual, brisk self.  
"We should get back to work."  
Because that was Gwen all over; she became strong when she didn't have to be so the others wouldn't see her fall, distracting herself from her own free-fall by taking control of whatever other situation she could.  
She pulled away from me, gave me a quick, sad smile, and upped and walked away down the corridor. I stood there for a few seconds, still overwhelmed by what had just been said and what had gone unsaid, and found myself whispering "Yeah...good work..."

*

It was frustrating trying to formulate a plan with "Captain" John cutting across me every five minutes, whether to try to order me around, question my authority, or both. As it was, my mind was also trying to form a secondary plan to talk to Gwen alone that evening, to try and figure out what to do, if there was anything we _could_ do.  
To make matters worse, John was shamelessly flirting with Gwen, and she didn't seem to mind. Although I knew she still didn't trust him, it wasn't really much of a reassurance when she kept flirting back-whether for the fun of it or as a distraction or cover up, I don't know. And after all that had just happened between us, she was still going against me, however softly she spoke. And she paired me with Ianto...on purpose?  
I can't say that didn't hurt.

Before we split up and left, I kicked John out and held Gwen back for a word. I turned on her as soon as he left.  
"What the hell are you doing?"  
"If I can get him talking, flirt a bit, he might drop his guard," she said, and immediately I felt foolish for ever doubting her intentions. "I can find out what he's really up to."  
"Okay," I said resignedly, "clever-"  
"Thank you."  
"-but dangerous. Leave it to me."  
"I led the team while you were away, Jack, I can handle this. He knows you too well, he'll never tell you the truth."  
That had me. Reluctantly, I agreed with her. "Three rules; one, don't believe anything he says; two, always keep him in front of you; and three, under _no circumstances_ let him kiss you." Visions of Gwen lying paralyzed in some alleyway were banished quickly from my mind.  
"As if I would!" Gwen whispered, and John's voice came from outside as if on cue.  
"Has he gotten to the no-kissing rule yet? He only invented that because he wants me all to himself." I rolled my eyes at his obnoxious attitude.  
Gwen smirked and turned to leave, but I took her wrist across the table and halted her.  
"Please, Gwen, be careful. If you get hurt again, it could be the end of both of us."  
Gwen blinked a couple of times, opened her mouth as if to say something, then closed it again and settled for a nod.  
I continued; "And we'll talk later, when all this is over. I promise."  
"Thank you," she whispered back, blinking once more to rid her eyes of their tears. I brought her hand to my lips, leaning over the table to kiss it delicately. The warmth of her skin reminded me of why and how my heart was beating. Then I smiled at her a little, and she turned and left, ordering John to keep in front on her way out.  
_That's my girl._

*

Being paired with Ianto would have been awkward enough under normal circumstances because I never knew what to do around him. Had it not been for Gwen being in her current situation I might have asked him on a date, but as it was, Gwen was taking up enough of my focus that it would have been unfair to do so. Besides, buried deep down within me was the knowledge that Rhys might not come back. I hated myself for thinking it, but although my priority was Gwen's happiness, a large part of me desperately wanted to be that.  
Anyway, Ianto was acting far more coldly towards me than usual. He wasn't telling me how he had been when I asked, and it took a long time to convince him to drop the "sir." We scoured the entire 5th floor office before he asked me to check the roof. We were talking somewhat more warmly by now.  
"Jack?" he called, just as I reached the door. "Why are we helping him?"  
"He's a reminder of my past," I confessed. "I want him gone."

I went up onto the roof and was greeted with the beautiful sight of the city and its twinkling lights, sprawling out in every direction. Having no time to admire the view just yet, I tore myself away and began searching for the canister. After a few minutes I spotted it, perched precariously on the wall.

"Rear of the Year, 5094!"  
I whipped around and felt my heart in my throat at the sight of John coming towards me.  
_What have you done to my friends?!_  
"Still looking good," he smirked.  
My phone rang in my coat pocket and I whipped it out, trying not to betray too much of my panic. Before I could answer, however, John snatched it from my hand.  
"Cute boy ringing to warn you about me." He threw the phone aside and held out his hand. "Canister."  
I held it out of his reach, anger bubbling in the pit of my stomach. "If you've harmed them in any way-"  
"You know, they're pretty, but stupid. You used to have better taste."  
"Doesn't look like that from here," I retorted snarkily.  
"Just give it here," he demanded.  
"Radiation cluster bombs? _Really?_ "  
John gave an exasperated sigh. "Let's not get hung up on details."  
"It's a little embarrassing that you needed help to find them," I sneered. An effort to disguise the sheer panic running through my veins. The more time passed, the less I had to look for and help my friends. Ianto was in full health, so with any luck, he'd be alright. Tosh and Owen were hopefully still together, at least. But Gwen, she was unusually vulnerable right then...and she was _alone_...why did I always leave her alone...my stomach twisted itself into an even tighter knot.  
"A little humiliating you fell for the scam," John pointed out. "Your dolly birds did all my leg work."  
"Is that what you wanted?"  
"What I want is for you to come to your senses."  
_Oh, no...not now, seriously..._  
"Join me, Jack. Back in the old routine. We'd be emperors! How can you stay tied to one planet when there's thousands of worlds sparkling with wonder?" I understood his mindset because I had had it once, but I completely disagreed with him. "We should be up there. Among the stars, claiming them for our own. Just like before." He looked at me with an expression that could have been misinterpreted as love, but which I knew was really just possessive infatuation.  
"I can't," I said softly.  
"Why not?" he said scathingly. "What the hell is there to keep you here?"  
_My team. My life._ Gwen.  
"Come on," he urged, like he was trying to coax a dog with a treat. "The glitter of the galaxy, the mischief we could make!"  
I smiled slowly, knowing it wasn't quite reaching my eyes. "You know, you never really mastered that temptation spiel."  
"It's not a spiel. It's fact."  
"Move on!" I spat. "Here I am in a new life, and you're still turning out the same old tunes. And sorry, but they don't play as well as they used to now you're looking a _little_ older, and-and what are they, wrinkles around your eyes?!"  
"Laugh lines!"  
"Oh, hell of a good joke!"  
"It's you I'm laughing at!" John was getting truly angered now, I could see it. "Canister!"  
With a feeling that this wasn't going to end well, I threw the canister over the wall behind me to the street six stories below us. "Woops!" I laughed.  
John smirked again in annoyance, then, in a movement that surprised and terrified me, he shoved me square in the chest, as hard as he could.

I was falling, a seemingly endless journey through the air towards what I knew would be a less than pleasant landing. Apprehension swirled in my stomach, which didn't seem to be falling as fast as the rest of me was. I had a brief moment of wonder at how John had actually pushed me-had actually _aimed_ to kill me-before I hit the cement bench below.  
Sharp impact, a snap of some kind within me, then nothing.

*

I don't want to go into details about the agony of my spinal cord knitting itself back together while I suffocated and died twice more because of the angle at which my bones were pushing into my lungs and esophagus. You can probably imagine the pleasantness of it all.

I managed to locate the team by tracking the SUV with my vortex manipulator. It was down by the docks where Gwen and John had been searching, but the team were nowhere to be found.  
Having no time for complex solutions, I took off running through the passages of shipping containers, yelling for the members of the team. Eventually I heard Owen respond, and numerous pairs of feet running towards me. I felt a massive surge of relief.  
This didn't last long, however; Owen was accompanied only by Tosh and Ianto. They hadn't yet found Gwen. My throat grew tight and my heart started to pound again. I was vaguely aware of a feeling of nausea washing over me.  
"We think she's in one of the containers. We found her phone, but she isn't in any of the ones around it and the last call she made was in the Hub, hours ago," Tosh said, her voice shaky. Her lip was split, I noticed, and her nose had been bleeding. Owen had a bullet wound in his thigh and Ianto was as white as a sheet.  
"John must have thrown it away, to divert us," I told them. "Owen, have the anti-toxin kit ready. If it's as I think, she must have let him kiss her."  
"What?" Owen asked, perplexed. "But what-"  
"Paralyzing lip gloss. We've got to hurry-that stuff can kill in less than two hours." Fresh fear dawned in their eyes at this news. They didn't like hearing it, and I didn't like saying it. It made too many horrible possibilities all the more real.  
"Tosh, Owen, Ianto, split up and search in different directions. I'll make a start down here."  
They each nodded and immediately sprinted off. I started running, throwing open container doors. They were stiff and rusty, and it was taking a lot more strength than I had anticipated.  
I opened each door and ran to the next straight away if she wasn't in there. I had gotten through eight or ten containers and was about to go on to the next one when I did a double take.

There, lying still in the shadows, barely visible, was a body.  
_Her?_  
It was the right shape, the right size.  
_How long has it been?_  
It was most definitely her.  
_Gwen._  
Relief, and terror anew when she didn't move.

"Gwen!" I called softly, kneeling down beside her. There was quiet panic in my voice that couldn't be disguised. I had to find Owen.  
Gwen's face was entirely blank when I turned her over; not even her eyes were moving. I was horrified with myself for not being able, even in this moment, to remember whether or not the gloss paralyzed the eyes.  
"Gwen...oh, god...I'm so sorry...Gwen..."  
I took her gently in my arms and carried her out of the container, breaking into a run and heading in the direction of the others.  
" _Owen! Owen, she's here! Help me! Owen, please! Owen! I have Gwen! Help me!_ " I was still screaming for him as Owen came sprinting towards me. I laid her on the ground in front of him. She was completely still, and her hands were so cold. I prayed it was just from the night air.  
"Please...help her...I..."  
"Step away, Jack. Give me some space," Owen said. Not demanding, not bossy. Softly. Almost pityingly.  
Tosh stepped up towards me, holding her hand up to me. As it swam in front of me, I realized she was offering a tissue. I hadn't even realized I was crying.  
I focused on her momentarily. "I'm sorry," I told her.  
She smiled sadly. "No need to be." She considered saying something else, but seemed to think better of it.

After a moment of watching Owen's steady hands at work, I cleared my throat and forced myself to ask "Is...is she..."  
"Hang on," Owen replied, his voice strained. There was a moment of silence, then, "Yes. She's alive. Her organs aren't failing...she's unconscious, though. I'm trying to revive her."  
A collective sigh of relief went around the group. I sank to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my head for a few minutes. We waited in silence as Owen ran more tests and continued looking after Gwen.

After nearly ten minutes, Owen's voice broke the silence.  
"Woah, darling...hang on...you're alright..."  
Immediately I leaped to my feet, as did Toshiko and Ianto, who had sat down by me. I rushed over to Gwen, kneeling opposite Owen and clutching Gwen's hand, trying to ignore the neat bandage around her wrist. I couldn't help but smile as I saw her frightened eyes flicker towards me and close in relief. Owen was taking her other hand in his.  
"Gwen? Gwen, darling, I need you to focus on me. Okay?"  
Gwen opened her eyes again, looking first at me and then at Owen. Small, high-pitched groans were coming from her throat, but she wasn't yet able to speak or move. Still, even a little difference was better than none. And she was moving her eyes.  
"Okay, can you squeeze my hand with your right hand please?" Owen asked calmly. "That's it, well done. Perfect."  
"Was there movement?" I asked urgently. I knew I would probably regret being so openly panicked in front of the team later, but for now, it didn't matter.  
"Yes, a little in the fingers. It's a good sign." He looked back towards Gwen. "You're going to be fine, darling. It's going to take a few minutes, but you'll be fine. I promise."  
My heartbeat was slowly returning to a normal speed. Now a little less on edge, my mind turned to getting Gwen safe and warm, and to finding John Hart and inflicting upon him every pain and danger I could bring myself to.  
"Come on, let's get her into the SUV," I said. "She'll be safer there. And chances are, John Hart will be waiting for us back in the Hub. We'd better get back there before he does anything too drastic"

Owen tried to help me lift Gwen, although I was capable of it myself, but gave up because of his wound. I instructed him to treat himself in the SUV; I would look after Gwen and Ianto could drive. I was grateful for his efforts, however. I knew he was worried from seeing me lose control. It was going to take some work to make them view me as stable again.

Gwen, lying across the seat with her head in my lap, grew rapidly stronger on the way back to the Hub. First moving her hands, then her head, then talking. The first person she spoke to was me.  
"Jack?" Her voice was strained and raspy.  
"Yeah?" I was grinning from ear to ear. I couldn't help it- _she was going to be alright._  
"You..." she winced, then tried again. "You shouldn't be sorry."  
I shushed her, guilt creeping up my spine fast. "Stop that. You scared me, you know. I thought...uh...well. I'm so glad you're okay." I cringed inwardly at my own cowardice.  
"Don't, Jack."  
"Really, though. I don't know if I've ever been as scared. I really am so glad, Gwen."  
Her eyes were soft, sad, sparkling. "Thank you." She was quiet again for a moment, then called Owen, her voice getting stronger.  
"Yes?" he said, turning to see her.  
"Thank you."  
"Don't mention it." He smiled, then went back to bandaging his thigh, stoic as ever.  
"Owen, can I sit up?"  
Owen regarded her worriedly. "Well...alright. If you feel up to it. But Jack helps you. And if you feel dizzy or ill, lie back down."  
I nodded to him, then started easing Gwen into a sitting position. Slowly, clutching my arm for support, she sat up.  
"How are you feeling, Gwen?" Asked Tosh, turning around and looking back at us from the passenger seat.  
"Much better," Gwen replied. "Thanks, all of you."  
"Just don't go kissing random bad guys again, eh, Gwen?" Ianto called back jokingly, turning off down a narrow side street.  
Gwen turned to me, a look somewhat resembling shame in her eyes. "Jack, I'm sorry, that's not what happened, I swear."  
"Hey, hey, it's okay! I know all that," I reassured her, kissing her head. She rested on my shoulder, her hand on my chest, and I felt like I was home.  
"But you warned me. And he grabbed me, and straight away when he left I was so angry at myself for not fighting back more, for not..."  
"Gwen, you're alive and safe and that's all that matters. And when we find John, he's gonna pay. I can promise you that."

*

Gwen, with her arm around my shoulders, managed to walk from the SUV into the Hub. Going through the entrance hall, she even insisted on letting go and walking herself, drawing her gun on the way in. She was still very weak, and I would have liked to take her somewhere safe away from whatever fight was going to play out, but I knew that would be patronizing. Besides, Owen was delighted with her quick recovery, which I was taking as a good sign. 

Before we could get past the main door, however, a voice echoed around the cavernous walls.  
"Who is it?"  
It was John. He stepped out of the shadows with a look of panic across his face. I was momentarily taken aback; I had expected to find him self satisfied and cocky, as per usual.  
His face, if possible, grew even paler when he saw us.  
"Jack? I...but you..."  
"Can't die," I finished for him.  
He laughed nervously. "No, but really."  
"No, but really. I can't die. No matter how many times you try, you can't kill me."  
John took a few seconds to process this information, then looked at me accusingly. "All that time and you won't spend any of it with me."  
"Why the _hell_ would I want to?!" I spat venomously.  
John now eyed the team, who had lined up behind me, guns at the ready. "Please," he said seemingly begging. "Please, you've got to help me."  
" _What?!_ " cried both myself and Gwen in unison. I continued none too calmly.  
"Why the fuck should we help you? After all you did-murdering and beating and poisoning us? Give me one reason in _hell_ why we shouldn't just beat the living crap out of you and lock you in the vaults like a monster?!"

John pointed to his shirt, onto which was now attached a large, glowing red object resembling a panic button.  
"Because," he said simply, "I'm a walking bomb."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys, hopefully the next chapter will be up sooner than this one was. There will be a lot more revealed in it about what exactly happened when Jack was away. Please do comment, it keeps me writing and gives me a better idea of what you want to read.  
> Thanks again! xxx


	3. Sickly Sweet and Deadly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm not going to lie to you, Jack; Gwen was acting like you. Not intentionally, and I'm sure it was just because talking would've been too much. But she was a great boss, and she shut us out completely. When it got to eight months or so, she gave up. She'd gone ages without Rhys, which must have been hell, but I think she gave up on him faster than she gave up on you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there,  
> So at least this chapter is up quickly! I may have accidentally lied about it being _entirely_ original, but only the first bit follows the episode (still Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang) but it's only the first part. The rest is original.  
>  Hopefully it gives you the feelsies too haha, it is a bit emotional!  
> TW for mention of a suicide attempt (again, it's brief, but they do talk about the feelings surrounding it).  
> Enjoy, and please do comment! xxx

_"I'm a walking bomb."_

We stared at him blankly for a moment, then I asked, "Are you serious?"  
"Deadly serious," he said, obviously trying to sound more calm than he actually was. "Obviously I lied about the canisters, but this was never supposed to happen...that woman, she said she had an Arcadian diamond, but she tricked me. And now I have about nine minutes until this thing explodes. And believe me, it won't be a little one."  
I threw my head back in exasperation. I was absolutely furious, but I couldn't let it out just yet. "Well, can't we just...take it off?!"  
"It can't be removed without exploding." John looked panicked again. "Jack, please you've got to help me."  
I walked right up to his face. "Why?" I snarled.  
A flash of pain across my jaw, shouts, and I was on the ground. He had punched me hard enough to knock me down, and now he was holding Gwen. I felt a stab of panic in my own chest, seeing her struggle against him. She no longer seemed weak; fueled by adrenaline, she was battling hard to get out of his grasp. I leaped up to help her, the other three drawing their guns and moving forward, but it had all been too quick. Before we knew it, John held up his right hand, and Gwen's left came up with it.  
Handcuffs.  
Gwen looked at him, eyes wide. "What have you done?" she gasped.  
"Hypersteel, impermeable," he replied. "Deadlock sealed. No way to undo them. Unless you have this key." He whipped out a tiny black key-and swallowed it.  
Gwen grabbed him by the collar, enraged. "You are _unbelievable!_ "  
"And yet, you still find me strangely attractive."  
Gwen dropped her hold on him irritably and John turned to face the four of us.  
"Now, you better find a solution, pronto, or she'll be blown up with me."  
"Would shooting him stop the DNA trigger?" asked Owen, his voice shaky.  
"No," I said, reaching across to stop him testing that theory.  
"So, what are we gonna do now, team?" John asked, sounding delighted with himself. 

"Okay. We need to get you out of the city," Gwen said suddenly, sounding almost her usual self. "Tosh, have you perfected that rift predictor yet?"  
"Pretty much."  
"Anything in the next few minutes?"  
I felt a little dizzy as I realized her intentions. "Gwen, no way."  
"What's she talking about?" John demanded.  
"If we're in the rift when that disc explodes, the city will be safe."  
"How does that save us?" John pointed out.  
"It doesn't." Gwen was looking at me pointedly, with something along the lines of regret in her eyes. I knew that if I didn't act quickly enough, she really would throw herself into the rift. I nodded tensely.  
"You're bluffing," John said desperately.  
"Try me."

"The car park where he arrived," Tosh said, "the crack in the rift is still active up there."  
Straight away, Gwen was dragging John-who was objecting loudly-up the steps towards the exit. Owen pulled me towards the lab as Ianto and Toshiko followed Gwen. I knew he had a last-ditch plan working itself out in his head. I could hear Gwen screaming at John on her way out.

"Get the team blood samples!" Owen called as he ran to get the equipment. We came together at the table and wordlessly, Owen handed me each sample, telling me to pour them into a vial.  
"Owen, are we doing what I think we're doing?"  
"Hand me an injection. And probably, yes." he pulled up on the syringe, bringing the blood into it.  
"Oh, god, okay...this had better work."  
"Trust me, I'm an improviser." Owen sounded calm, but there was a spark in his eyes that didn't belong there.  
"Can I do it? I promise I won't miss."  
He nodded in response, handing me the syringe. "Come on, quick. We don't have much time."

We ran out of the Hub, throwing ourselves into Owen's car, me in the driver's seat. I took off straight away, speeding along the roads, incredibly lucky not to have hit a child or crashed. Owen was silent the entire way there, and I was much too preoccupied with my own thoughts to say anything. If we were too late, I'd never forgive myself.

But we weren't; as we pulled up into the car park, I saw Gwen moving determinedly with John towards the rift crack. She turned when she heard the car, sharp relief crossing her face. Her eyes closed and, and I read her lips; " _Oh, thank god._  
I braked and we jumped out of the car. I saw Gwen brace herself as I dashed past Tosh and Ianto and launched myself at John Hart, knocking both him and Gwen to the ground. I drove the needle right into his heart, enjoying his pained cries perhaps a little too much, and injected the blood. I stood up and moved back, expecting the disc to remove itself, but nothing happened.  
"Owen," I said, alarmed, "it's not working!"  
Gwen had gotten to her feet and was trying to drag John up with her. "What are you doing?!"  
"Trying to confuse the disc!" Owen shouted back.  
"Why isn't it working?!" I yelled.  
"I dunno!"  
"Jack, do something!" Tosh begged.

Gwen was still trying to pull John to his feet. Up close, I could see that she was still weak, probably running solely on adrenaline. I should have let her rest. There were circles under her eyes, and she was pale and shaking. She turned back to me.  
"I've got to go, Jack," she said impatiently.  
Feeling sick, I helped her wrench John to his feet. The disc detached itself.

I was so relieved I could have cried. Instead, I grabbed the disc-which had started to beep alarmingly-and hurled it with all my might into the rift.  
" _GO! Run!_ " I screamed, and retreated with the rest of the team, pulling Gwen backwards with me. The disc exploded in the rift, whether because the time was up or because we had removed it from John, I don't know. The impact sent myself, Gwen and John flying.

When we landed, it was dark. Tosh, Eoghan and Ianto emerged from behind the SUV.  
"What the hell?" I muttered, staring at my watch.  
"Jack, what's going on? Why has it gone dark?" Gwen asked.  
"The rift's reverted to the moment he came through. Everything's jumped back to the beginning of the night."  
"Like you were never here," Gwen snarled at John.  
"Now we've got to avoid ourselves," I joked halfheartedly. "Great."  
The others approached warily.  
"It's a temporal displacement," John said. "Makes your tongue tingle, doesn't it? Lovely."  
"What was in the syringe?" Gwen inquired.  
"Torchwood DNA," Owen replied, clutching his injured side.  
" _What?_ "  
"DNA samples from the five of us, fused and injected into his heart. Temporarily corrupted his DNA coding. Confused the disc."  
"You mean there's a bit of all of you inside me?" John looked less than pleased. "Sweet goddesses, that's all I need."  
"Thank you, Owen," Gwen said breathlessly. She was starting to not sound like herself again and it was worrying me.  
Owen winked at her. "You're welcome."

I turned to John. "I want you gone."  
"Well, we've got to work out a way to get these off first," Gwen pointed out angrily.  
John smirked back at her. "Actually..."  
He tilted his head back, opened his mouth and put his hand in, looking for something. He produced from his throat the key which he had presumably swallowed. Aggravating and disgusting.  
"Old Artesian trick. Keep it in the lining of the throat. Has a lot of uses."  
Gwen was looking at him and smiling oddly. She looked drained, but to anyone who didn't know her, she was hiding it well. "You had that all along?"  
"You were my passport to survival," John said, unlocking the cuffs. "No hard feelings? Well, not in _that_ sense."  
Gwen smiled at him again, then drew back and punched him square in the jaw with all the strength she could muster. John fell to the ground, grunting in pain and surprise, and Gwen looked down on him disdainfully. I laughed happily. I should have known she would get some little revenge on him.  
Owen pulled her back by the shoulder.  
"Remind me never to get on your bad side," Ianto said.

I cleared my throat and held out my hand. John rummaged resignedly in his inside pocket and drew out my wrist strap, which he had taken after he killed me. I put it on. "Yep, definitely bigger."  
John sighed. "If you need a new team member-"  
"No." I couldn't believe he would try that after everything he'd done. Even for him, that was low.  
"Really? I could-"  
"No."  
"But..."  
" _No._ Go now, and you can harness the residual rift energy." I wanted to hit him, to scream at him, to do _something,_ but no good would come of it. He wouldn't feel anything for what he'd done.  
"Listen-"  
"Goodbye."  
He nodded almost sadly. "Okay." He leaned up, kissed me, and walked away towards the rift.  
I sighed in relief at his going, then turned to the team. Ianto seemed alright, as did Toshiko, although there was dried blood under her nose. Owen and Gwen would both need rest. He was still clutching his injured side, while she had her eyes closed. It seemed to be taking her a lot of effort to stay standing.

"Oh," John called as the rift energy clouded around him, "by the way, I meant to tell you-I found Grey."  
My heart stopped for a moment.  
A memory buried deep within me stirred, threatening to reawaken.  
_Grey?_  
And then he turned and was gone.

"Who's Grey?" asked Gwen from behind me.  
"It's nothing," I said dismissively. Now that I had had a moment to recover, I realized that John was probably just trying to wound me. After all the lows he had sunk to today, it wouldn't be all that surprising. I pushed any thoughts on the matter back down where the belonged, out of my mind. My thoughts turned to finding somewhere safe to go, preferably where I could talk to Gwen alone.  
"Come on, let's get back to work."

We turned to go back towards the waiting vehicles, with me automatically ending up in the lead. We had only gone a few paces when Gwen's voice found me.  
"Jack?" she sounded horribly frail all of a sudden, like all of her energy and adrenaline had been used up in those last fifteen minutes of conflict.  
I stopped and turned. The others continued past us and Gwen kept walking towards me. However, she was still a few paces away when she staggered.  
"Jack, I...I think..." she tried to carry on, but stumbled again. I rushed forwards and caught her around the waist to keep her upright. Her face was like chalk, and her eyes were dim when she looked at me. They closed slowly and her knees gave way as she fainted.  
"Woah, woah, woah! Hey, Owen, little help!" I called. The others turned, saw me kneeling down with Gwen in my arms and came running back towards us.  
"Oh god, is she alright?" gasped Tosh.  
"What happened?" asked Owen, dropping to his knees and checking Gwen's pulse.  
"I think she fainted. She was still weak Owen, she only kept going because she had to. She must have run out of adrenaline."  
"Okay, right...come on, let's get her into the SUV."

I lifted Gwen and followed Owen to the SUV. Ianto and Tosh stood by the door as Owen and I climbed into the back, Gwen once again lying with her head in my lap.  
"Who's taking Owen's car?" I asked.  
"I will if you want," Ianto volunteered. "Back to the Hub, right?"  
I nodded and Toshiko sat into the driver's seat of the SUV. The doors were shut and we set off. Owen took a portable blood kit out of his medical bag and proceeded to take Gwen's blood.  
"Jack," he muttered as he ran a couple of tests, "we should talk when we get back. There are things you should know about."  
I nodded wordlessly. I hoped I was disguising my worry well. "Any results yet?"  
"Her blood sugar is seriously low, but other than that she's fine. She should probably consider taking iron supplements too, but so should a good chunk of the population."  
"So the fainting's just down to low blood sugar and exhaustion?"  
"Yup, looks like it."  
"Jack, you should get her set up on the couch when we get back," Toshiko suggested. "I'll get her something to get her sugar levels back up."  
"Yeah, good plan. Owen, you need to sort out that wound properly. How bad is it? I'm sorry I didn't ask before."  
"Don't worry about it, I was upright and coping. It's alright. Hurts a fair amount but it's not particularly bad. He only shot me once."  
I shook my head; if John Hart ever came back, I would shoot him more than once.

*

Gwen came to just before we reached the Hub, but I convinced her, with Owen's help, to stay lying down. I carried her into the Hub, her head resting on my shoulder, and placed her sitting on the sofa. Ianto arrived about a minute behind us carrying a blanket, and without saying anything, draped it around Gwen's shoulders. She laughed quietly.  
"Thanks, guys. Seriously though, I'm fine. You don't need to do all this."  
"Don't be ridiculous," Tosh ordered. "Me and Ianto are going to get some very sugary coffee. Anyone else want anything?"  
Owen shook his head, smiling, and disappeared into the lab.  
"The usual for me, thanks," I said gratefully. Tosh and Ianto wandered out and I turned to Gwen apologetically. "Sorry, I have to talk to Owen, but I'll be right back."  
She smiled up at me tiredly. "Please, Jack stop worrying. And cut it out with the guilt."  
I frowned. "Hey, how did you know I was guilty?"  
"I only passed out after you found me. I don't remember anything past you behind slightly hysterical and picking me up, but I was conscious until then."  
"Oh. Well, I am sorry, Gwen. It was me who taught him how to use that stuff."  
"Yeah, he did mention something about that..." she giggled. "Seriously though, it wasn't your fault."  
I didn't answer. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Owen was stitching up his wound when I got in.  
"Hey."  
He turned around, then turned back to what he was doing. "Hey. Welcome to the city of-ow-blood."  
"Anything I can do?"  
"With your level of expertise? No, thanks."  
I laughed. "Fine, be that way." I walked around the table Owen was perched on, sitting down on the chair opposite him. "So, you said there were things I should know?"  
Owen nodded. "Gimme a sec." He finished the final stitch, broke the thread with his teeth, used an alcohol wipe over the closed cut and threw the used equipment on a tray beside him. He then stood down from the table, did up his trousers and sat back up again.  
"Is this about Gwen?" I asked quietly. "Who, I should add, is sitting on the couch in the next room, so maybe keep this quiet if it is."  
Owen looked at me expressionlessly. "How much has she told you about what happened while you were gone, Jack?"  
"Only that Rhys didn't come back."  
"Hmm."  
"But...I saw her wrist. Did you know anything...? Or had you noticed?"  
"Yeah, I'd noticed. Listen, Jack, I'm sorry we blamed you so much-"  
"No, you were right to. I'm sorry, Owen. For everything. Today included."  
"Yeah, well, it was pretty shocking to see you lose your cool over Gwen. Understandable, don't get me wrong, but...very unlike you."  
"I know. I'm sorry. She was weak, and...well, I invented that fucking gloss, didn't I? And yet I couldn't even remember what stage it would be at for her to be in that state."  
"We guess she was there for about an hour and three quarters. We would have found her quicker if it wasn't for the whole phone issue. Anyway, I won't deny that we blamed you for leaving us. Because it was your decision. But we don't blame you for what happened today. And I don't want you to blame yourself for this, either."  
"Owen," I said with a note of urgency in my voice, "what happened to her?"  
He sighed, furrowing his brow. "Well, the evening you disappeared, she said you seemed urgent to go. She told us that you'd said Rhys would come back, and from the way you said it, she was hopeful that it would be soon."  
"Yeah, it should have been soon."  
"Do you think he will?"  
I looked at him, and decided to be honest. "No." Owen winced. "It's been far too long; something must have gone wrong. Either that or Bilis tricked us more than we thought he had. Rhys' death had nothing to do with the rift being opened, anyway."  
"Yeah, well, Gwen waited. It got to a month, you still weren't back. She was starting to lead us. We asked her to actually; she was more than good at it. And I think it took her mind off things. But she started getting more...I don't know. Hardened. Like she wouldn't let any of us in. She wouldn't talk to us. Not about Rhys, and especially not about you."  
I sat, following Owen's expression for any extra detail, but it didn't give much away.  
"Once it got to four months, she really shut us out. We were worried about her, Jack. I don't know if she knew it. Maybe Tosh told her, but I never did. She was leading us better than ever, there was nothing much we failed in. Maybe a few times we would really have appreciated having you back. Yesterday was the worst one of those times, but you stepped in in time." Owen seemed uneasy suddenly. "I'm not going to lie to you, Jack; Gwen was acting like you. Not intentionally, and I'm sure it was just because talking would've been too much. But she was a great boss, and she shut us out completely. When it got to eight months or so, she gave up. She'd gone ages without Rhys, which must have been hell, but I think she gave up on him faster than she gave up on you."  
I exhaled sharply and hid my face in my hands. When I looked back up at him, he was picking at his fingernails and avoiding looking at me.  
"Sorry. Go on."  
"Yeah, well, basically she didn't know what to do. There was nobody there for her, but when we tried to be, she wouldn't let us. I think once she started to think you weren't coming back, that's when she cracked. Sometime around the middle of last month, she, uh...well. You know."  
"No, Owen, I don't. Please tell me, because I don't think she will, and I need to know. _What happened?_ "  
"Well, she spent the day acting really strange. There wasn't really much happening, so meself and Tosh decided to go home early. So did Ianto. Gwen stayed behind, said she had something to do. So anyway, I got home, realized I'd left my mobile somewhere here. I came back to get it and found a note on the table."  
"Oh, my god..."  
"Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction. She was just apologizing to us all, she was so sorry...and you. She said if by a miracle you ever came back, to tell you she was sorry, and not to blame yourself. And..." He cleared his throat. "Well, she can tell you the rest herself."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I'm sorry, Jack, things are far different now. Anyway, I went to her flat, obviously. Kicked my way in. God, Jack, if you'd seen the place...there was no way she was looking after herself. She must have only kept her appearance up for us as a front. She was in the bathroom. She'd done one wrist when I got in. I grabbed the blade off her, think I frightened her a bit. She was a wreck. Said she couldn't do it anymore. I cleaned her up, stayed with her for a few days. We never told the others what happened, but I think they figured it out. She started improving, she talked to us. She talked about you if we prompted her to. Mostly bitterly, to be honest, but we were all angry. We spent Christmas together, actually. She didn't want to face her family's questions, and I had no one and no plans, so that was that. Don't get me wrong, nothing happened. But it was a good day. And," he stood down off the table again, "that's pretty much it."  
I stood up, trying to clear the lump in my throat. "Thank you, Owen. For everything. I think you saved her."  
"It's good to have you back, Jack."  
I nodded, hugged him briefly, then turned to go back to Gwen.  
"Owen?" I asked, just as I reached the door.  
"Yeah?"  
"I've gotta ask...do you love her?"  
Owen regarded me suspiciously. "Yes. But not romantically. I love her more than I love most people...she's probably the best friend I have. And she's helped me through as much as I have her. Don't worry, Jack. I don't regret anything, but it won't be a recurrence."  
"No, I didn't...I don't mean..."  
Owen nodded understandingly.  
"Thank you."

*

Tosh and Ianto were sitting in the chaises on either side of the couch when I entered, talking to Gwen. None of them noticed me at first.  
"Seriously, though, Gwen," Ianto was saying. "About what you said...in the carpark...you should tell him." Toshiko nodded in agreement.  
"No," Gwen said. She was clutching a takeaway cup in her hands. "I was just...just forget about it. I shouldn't have said it, it was just panic. And anyway, you-"  
"Doesn't matter," Ianto interrupted. I took a step further into the room.  
"But really, I just..." Gwen stopped, having seen me at last. Tosh and Ianto followed her gaze to me. I wandered over to them.  
"Hey, Tosh said, "your coffee's there." She gestured to the cup on the table in front of Gwen. I took it, thanking her, and sat on the couch next to Gwen.  
"Oh, and I bought Kit-Kats!" Ianto announced cheerfully, producing a handful of bars from his pocket. He threw a couple to Gwen and handed one to me.  
"Thanks, Ianto."  
"Thanks."  
Tosh stood up, stretching and yawning. "I think I'd best head home."  
"Really, you won't stay a little longer?" objected Gwen.  
"Nah, I'd best be off."  
"Me too," Ianto agreed. He winked at Gwen. "Work in the morning, got to be up bright and early!"  
I stood up to see them out. Gwen attempted to do the same, but I gestured for her to stay sitting. She waved goodbye and blew kisses in their direction, and I walked with them out of the main room, taking the opportunity to thank them as they left.  
"No problem," Tosh said warmly, hugging me on her way out. "As angry as I was with you, it's good to have you back."  
Ianto nodded solemnly at me, and they went to their respective homes.

"How're you feeling?" I asked as I walked back in to Gwen.  
"Much better, thanks." She patted the space beside her and I sat down. "I'm sorry for all the trouble today, Jack."  
"Not your fault."  
"I'm so glad you're here." Her gaze was so sincere I couldn't say anything back. "I was beginning to think you weren't coming back."  
"I could never stay away."  
There were a few moments of silence. Owen emerged from the lab, said goodbye, and left. Gwen faced me once he was out of earshot.  
"So...what was Owen talking about?"  
"Oh, you know. Just about what I'd missed."  
"Jack."  
I stared back at her. "You know what he was talking about, Gwen."  
She shook her head and turned away from me. "I lost it, Jack. It was stupid and selfish and weak, and I can't believe I let it happen."  
I gazed at her, open mouthed. "Gwen, that's not true. I left you when you were vulnerable, just presuming Rhys was going to come back. It was _not_ selfish, it was _not_ weak, and it was _not_ down to you." I placed my hand under her chin and turned her head gently. She held eye contact for just a moment, then looked away and avoided meeting my eyes again.  
"It was stupid, though," I said. "Everyone here loves you...Tosh, Ianto, Owen...they need you. _I_ need you." My heart was beating too quickly; I didn't know where this was going. Gwen focused on me again.  
"I know that," Her voice was a murmur. "and I need you. But I wasn't thinking clearly. It felt like I'd lost the most important things in my life." She was tearing up again, blinking her eyes furiously. She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. "I hate this, being vulnerable. It makes me feel weak. Like someone always needs to come and protect me."  
"Weakness and vulnerability are two very different things. We came running to protect and save you today, but how many times have you done that for us in the past? You've done more than you think, Gwen. Especially for me."  
"Jack..."  
"And there is no way I'm leaving again. I loved it, being with the Doctor. But I longed to come back sooner than I did. I'm meant to be here, with you. This is where I feel like I'm home."  
"Oh, you're so sickeningly sweet when you're emotional," Gwen teased, but I could see that she was still weepy. I pulled her in close so that she was cuddled up against my chest and draped the blanket across both of us.

"So," I began, "what do you want to do?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"You want me to be honest?"  
I felt her nod. "Yeah," she whispered.  
"At this stage, I can't see Rhys coming back."  
Gwen stifled a sob.  
"I'm sorry, it's just been too long. And his death had nothing to do with the rift."  
"But then why was there no body?" she choked out.  
"I don't know. This place is where the rift was opened, his body might just have been collateral damage of sorts."  
"Oh, god..." Gwen was properly crying now, and it was breaking my heart. She was so quiet. She clung to me, and I held her close to me, afraid to let her go. Eventually her sobs subsided.  
"You know," I said, my voice sounding too loud in the otherwise empty Hub, "I thought you were gone today."  
"I know, Tosh told me," she sniffed. "We were talking for a while before you came back from the lab."  
"I was so terrified, Gwen...it's times like this when I question the worth of doing all this. If I lost you, I don't think I could cope."  
"You'll lose me someday, Jack, whether it's tomorrow or fifty years down the line. That's something we'll both have to face up to when the time comes."  
I swallowed, trying not to think about that for the moment. "I know. But that's not important now."  
"What _should_ I do, Jack? Should I tell the police to take him off the missing persons list?"  
"That's up to you."  
"If I do that, I'll have to talk to his parents...I don't think I can do it." She sighed. "He wanted kids." Her words were like knives in my gut. "I kept promising him that we'd have a quiet night in, sit down, talk about it, but...things got in the way. I kept putting it off, and now..."  
I shushed her softly. "Life doesn't always work out."  
She shifted her weight off me and looked at me almost accusingly. "I never...I never expected to meet someone like you."  
There was something else in her expression now, something I always longed to see directed at me. But now was not the time. I couldn't act on anything now, when we were both over-emotional and tired. She might regret it, and there were too many barriers. She would feel differently about me tomorrow.  
I felt like my lungs were tightening.  
"Come on," I said, easing myself up off the sofa and offering my hand to her. "You should get home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that chapter! Back to (hopefully) chaque Tuesday now. Like I said, comments really help, so don't be afraid to give me your opinion, no matter how bad it is. xxx


	4. Pictures and Perfection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Jack, please. _Just say it._ "  
> "Say what?"  
> "You know what."  
> "I..." I couldn't do it. It didn't feel like either of us were in the right place. "I really did miss you, Gwen Cooper."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hey, hey, first fully non-episode chapter! Hope you like it, and please do tell me what you think, and where you'd like this to go. xx

Driving through the city in the middle of the night. Streets almost deserted. The night cool and clear outside. Gwen in the passenger seat.  
It would have been heavenly but for the conversation.

"So," I began, feeling that I had to ask, "are they still looking for Rhys?"  
Gwen cleared her throat, not having spoken for a while. "Well, his case is still open. They searched for him for a couple of months. Actually, they shouldn't have. He wasn't a high-risk case, it was just poor Andy fighting my battles for me."  
"Andy?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant-was she seeing someone?  
Gwen rolled her eyes. "Jack, you do this every time I mention him! Andy the police officer. He's the reason we haven't had more difficulty with the cops than we have." She slid further down in the seat, wedging her knees against the dash. "And he's a very good friend of mine."  
Some vague memory surfaced of a conversation from years ago. "Wait," I said, "isn't he the one who-"  
"Yes, Jack, and if I have this conversation with you one more time I swear, you'll find out whether or not your tongue can grow back."  
I laughed. Tired as she was, Gwen was definitely herself again.   
Realizing that we had gone off-topic, I attempted to continue. "So, about the case-"  
"Do we have to talk about this, Jack? There's nothing else to know." I felt a stab of guilt at the bitterness in her voice.  
"No. 'Course not. Sorry."

The rest of the drive back to Gwen's flat was spent in silence. Not awkward, just peaceful. On pulling up beside the building, I automatically got out of the SUV with her.  
"You don't have to babysit me, Jack."  
"I know."  
Gwen rolled her eyes again and walked up to the door. I followed her through the hallway and up the stairs. She reached her door, unlocked it and walked in, taking off her jacket and dumping it on the couch. She turned back to me with a questioning stare; I was still standing in the open doorway.   
"Aren't you gonna invite me in?" I asked, smirking.   
"Oh, get in, you idiot," Gwen retorted, turning towards the kitchen with a shake of her head. I could tell from the way she bowed her head slightly and tightened her shoulders that she was smiling. I entered, shutting the door behind me.  
Remembering what Owen had said about coming in to find her mere months ago, I was grateful to see that she was looking after the place now. There was the odd book or article of clothing on a chair or counter, but it was the kind of homely chaos that make a place feel lived in. Hopefully that was a good sign in terms of Gwen's mental health.

"Tea or coffee?" Gwen asked when I walked over to the little kitchen area.  
"Nah, I'm good, thanks."  
"Okay, well...then...why are you here?"  
I laughed again at her awkwardness. "Good to know you want me around!"  
She hit me playfully on the arm. "That's not what I meant and you know it. It's just, I'm tired. And I'd kind of like some sleep."  
I nodded. "Okay. Will I take the couch?"  
"What?"  
"Oh, come on, Gwen." I took her gently by the arms, stroking her shoulders with my thumbs. "You know I can't leave you on your own tonight. And I'm not trying to be patronizing. That gloss could have side effects I don't know about. If I'm right out here, you can come and tell me if you think something's wrong." Gwen looked as though she was resigning herself to the idea. I smiled at her a little. "Besides, didn't you miss me enough to want me back around?"   
I was suddenly a little worried that her answer wouldn't be what I hoped, but she smiled back at me and said "Of course I did. Thank you, Jack. I will pay you back someday."

She turned towards the bedroom before I could tell her that she was paying me back, every single day, just by being there.  
"I'll get you some blankets and stuff."  
"No, no, it's fine. I'll sleep under my coat."  
"Don't be ridiculous!"  
"No, seriously," I insisted. "It's too warm in here for anything, anyway."  
Gwen shrugged. "Alright, then. If you change your mind just give me a shout. Take whatever you want from the kitchen, bathroom's that way. There should be a spare toothbrush under the sink if you need one. Um...is there anything else?"  
"No, I think that more than sorts me out for a while! Thanks. Now, get some sleep." Gwen nodded, gave me a warm, beautiful smile, and headed towards the bedroom. I had to say _something_.  
"Gwen?" She looked back at me, half in the shadows. I struggled with what to say before settling for "I missed you, too."  
The corners of her mouth turned up and her eyes were cast down, creating an expression couldn't ever recall seeing on her face before. I was sure I would have remembered it; it was soft and loving and made everything feel _right_.  
She turned her gaze back to me. "Goodnight, Jack."  
"Sweet dreams."

*

I slept fitfully for an hour or so. When I woke up, my watch showed it to be after 3 in the morning. It really was quite warm in her flat compared to the night outside, but it was my own thoughts that were keeping me awake.  
Before I left over a year ago, I never would have considered anything with Gwen a possibility. She had Rhys and, although I knew that she and Owen had had something, that wasn't what I wanted. There was a difference between polyamory and cheating. Plus which, I had no intentions of getting closer to her than necessary, then watching her fade before my eyes. However, I was beginning to see now that that plan had failed. I never opened up to her, but her trust and the way she opened up to _me_ was enough. I cared about her more than I had cared about anyone in a long time, I knew that. And I knew she felt _something_ for me. I just wasn't sure whether it rivaled what she felt for Rhys.  
I had thought I would have something with Ianto. He wanted it, he had made that pretty clear, and we had spent a night or two together. He was handsome, intelligent, made me laugh...all those clichéd things you were supposed to look for in a relationship. I loved him. But I also loved Tosh and Owen, and I had loved Suzie. They were my friends. Looking back, I think I was just more lonely than I realized.  
When I left, and when I still believed that the Doctor would be able to fix me, there was a tiny voice in the back of my mind whispering that if I was mortal, it would be worth it. I could pursue something with her and it would be okay either way things went. Her happiness wouldn't be lost knowing that I would spend forever missing her. But I couldn't be fixed, and I felt sickeningly as though I would never have a chance.  
But now everything was different. Rhys was gone, and I was trying not to see it as an opportunity. All I wanted was for Gwen to be happy, with or without me. Still, my willpower was failing, and I was starting to think that if we could have anything at all, I would take it and count myself lucky.  
That's how I knew I loved her.

Still struggling to think rationally and in a straight line, I got up and walked to her bedroom door to see if she was asleep. If she wasn't, I decided, I could be her grandmother for the night and make some hot chocolate. Hot milk does aid sleep, so they say.  
I could hear her snoring a little on the other side of the door.   
I crept back over past the couch to look at the pictures on the little wooden unit beside the TV. There was one of a group of children, a couple of whom looked a lot like Rhys. I presumed them to be his nieces and nephews, and wondered how close they were, whether or not they had been affected by his disappearance. Another photo almost definitely showed Rhys as a child. He had never really changed. I picked up a small wooden frame from the corner of the unit. It was Gwen, aged about ten or so, looking as though she would rather be anywhere but standing in front of that ugly green wallpaper in that too-big yellow dress. I grinned. That same expression still showed itself once in a while when I did something to annoy her. The other photos were of parents and relatives.  
There was a photo album in front of the frames, a neat little book with a gold design on the front, and I picked it up without thinking. Upon opening it I saw that it must have belonged to Rhys; the slanted, cramped lettering under each photo was not Gwen's. I flipped through a few pictures of family and friends, and came to one of Gwen in a garden somewhere, sitting on the grass with a tabby cat in her lap. She was focused on the animal she was petting, seemingly unaware of the camera. I had to hand it to Rhys, he was a good photographer. He had captured Gwen in a moment where she was completely relaxed and unguarded, and absent-minded smile on her lips. Underneath it was written _Gwen in garden, 12-04-'00, day of meeting her parents for the first time._ There were another couple of Gwen with just the dates under them. I turned the page again to another shot of Gwen, except that this time she was lying in bed, smiling lovingly, sunlight pouring through the window and illuminating her tousled hair. Her arms were under her head, her breasts barely covered by the duvet. She was stunning. I snapped the book shut quickly, suddenly realizing the intrusive nature of my looking through the album. It was absolutely none of my business. I put it back on the unit, fighting the ugly and envious thoughts that had made their way into my head, and sat back down on the couch.

Two minutes of trying to blank my mind later, I heard padding footsteps behind me. A hand brushing my shoulder, then Gwen sitting beside me.  
"Hey," she greeted me, her voice hoarse from sleep. "You okay?"  
"Yeah, just couldn't sleep." I eyed her somewhat nervously, wondering both what had prompted her to come out to me and whether or not she had seen me looking through her photos. "Is something wrong?"  
"Hmm? Oh no, no, I just...couldn't sleep either." There was an awkward pause in which I avoided looking at her, though I could feel her eyes burning into me. She stood up. "I'm getting tea, do you want some?"  
"That'd be great, yeah. Thanks."

As Gwen bustled around the kitchen, I mulled over some conversation topics to distract from my awkward behaviour. I was too distracted to come up with much, and I wouldn't have gotten a chance to use them anyway, because the first thing she said when she sat down was-  
"What's wrong, Jack?"  
"I'm fine."  
"Jack." She sounded as though she was giving me my last warning, but when I met her gaze she looked concerned rather than threatening.  
I sighed. I wasn't in the mood for deep conversation. "Just got a lot to think about." She raised her eyebrows, encouraging me to continue. "Look, I've been back less than forty-eight hours, and a lot has happened."  
"I know. And you're still not talking."  
"Gwen, I'm not trying to shut you out."  
"Maybe not, but every time you refuse to talk to me you hide away another bit of yourself, you get stressed and unhappy and you cover it up, but _I can see it, Jack._ Even when you think I'm prying, I'm just trying to make you see that just because you outlive us all, doesn't mean you always have to be on your own." She spoke with a quiet urgency, seeming to catch herself at the end. I stared at her blankly, recalling all those times she had been a little too inquisitive and I had refused to answer her.  
I had been so blind.  
"I didn't...I can't..." I stopped, trying to find something to say. A lump was forming in my throat, and I didn't know how I felt anymore. All I knew was that Gwen understood more of me than she ever let on, that immortality made me feel isolated, that I needed shelter. That I loved her, no matter how much I wanted not to.

Forcing everything down, I placed my cup on the coffee table beside hers and turned to face her, dry eyed. Because I couldn't articulate what I wanted to, I settled for a question I had wanted to ask for a long time. A roundabout way to find out what I wanted to know.  
"How do you see me, Gwen?"  
The question seemed to take her by surprise. "Is that what all this is about, Jack?"  
"What?"  
"You want your ego massaged? Is that it?"  
"Well, thanks for your support!" I said, though I couldn't help but smile a little. "No. I don't mean "Am I tall and handsome with a dazzling smile?" I don't need anyone telling me that," I added, winking at her. She grinned. "I mean...what do I stand for, in your mind? I just need to know."  
Gwen considered the question for a few moments. Eventually she shrugged her shoulders and said "I don't know, Jack. You're my boss. You're brave and honest and I think you care more about most things than you let on. And I always think I'd trust you with my life, until you go running off or doing something stupid."   
"Hmm. Yeah. Seem to be doing that lately...sorry."  
"Jack, you know we love you, you just...drive us crazy."  
"Is that all I am though, at the end of the day? Your boss? An army general?"  
Gwen sighed. "No, you're my friend, but...when I can't trust you to be honest with me, that wavers. Only sometimes," she added quickly, seeing the surprise on my face.  
"Thanks. Sorry, I just...have been wondering about things."

There was another silence, teas picked up, sipped, put back on the table.   
"Why," Gwen asked, "how do I appear to you?"  
"Simply radiant," I replied, laughing. Gwen giggled and rested her head on my shoulder. My arm went around her almost of its own accord, and I felt immediately better for her closeness. Once we had settled down again, I responded properly.   
"It's hard to say. You know I feel incredibly proud of all of you. And when you're in the wars, I worry. I've always tried to drive you away in some respects, Gwen, however subconscious those efforts may have been...I just wanted you to have a normal life. But now everything's changing and I don't know what to think." I was vaguely aware of how honest I was being, and how it might be a bad decision to keep going, but the warmth of Gwen snuggled against me made it seem like I might be relieving myself of a burden by talking openly for once. Anyway, Gwen spoke when I paused, so I didn't end up rambling.  
"I've been thinking too, Jack. I think you know that things could have been different. But you did push me away, and things were as they were. And now I don't know, either. It's just so...argh, I can't think properly." She looked up at me solemnly. "You know all this already, Jack. Why am I telling you?"  
"3am, honesty hour," I joked. Underneath my skin, I could feel all the tension and buried knowledge from the past few years rising up like a tsunami. If it ended badly, at least we would have tried...if I edged around the topic...   
"I knew," I admitted, "And you knew. So it was a combined effort. But I still don't know where this is going."  
"Jack..." Her expression was pleading this time.  
"I'm afraid of everything that could happen," I whispered.  
"Jack, please. _Just say it._ "  
"Say what?"  
"You know what."  
"I..." I couldn't do it. It didn't feel like either of us were in the right place. "I really did miss you, Gwen Cooper."  
She stared at me for a moment, her expression unreadable. She shook her head slightly, leaned up towards me and my heart seemed to stop for a moment.

Her lips were soft and warm and gentle, her hands cupped my face, and I was lost. Clinging to her for dear life. My hands on her back, in her hair. She was leading the way and I didn't mind; I let her tongue crash against mine as the kiss grew more and more heated. Everything was in that kiss-three years of everything. All the things we had never said, almost done...everything I ever wanted to make known, it was there. Soon I overtook her anyway, laying her down gently and following after, lying on top of her and breaking the kiss so I could move to her neck. We were completely intoxicated; there was no going back to where we had once stood. I nipped at a pressure point below her ear expertly, and she made a sound that made me have to catch my breath. Gwen's hands moved down the front of my shirt, roaming across my abdomen, leaving trails of stars behind. She was untucking my shirt from my trousers, her hands were on my bare skin, and I couldn't help but gasp at the firm movements. Our lips crashed together again, and I moved to straddle her thighs, running a hand down the side of her body. I brushed over her breast and she moaned into my mouth, the sound reverberating through me. Then her hands were moving down, further, further-

I pulled away from her, realizing that we were going too far, how suddenly the situation had progressed. With all that had transpired the previous day, with everything Gwen had been through, the exhausted hour of the night...  
It wasn't the right time.  
I looked down at Gwen below me. Her skin was flushed and radiant, her pupils dilated, lips plump. I wanted nothing more than to keep going.  
When I spoke, my voice was lower than normal. "This is a bad idea."  
"What do you mean?"  
"It's been a long day, we're tired, we're over-emotional...I think if this is ever going to happen, it should be at a time when we're both ready and our minds are clear."  
"Jack..." her voice was husky and inebriating, and I struggled to hinder my body's reactions.  
I silenced her with a light kiss, then said, "We'll talk in the morning. I promise."  
She looked as though she might object, then closed her eyes and nodded. I helped her off the sofa and she turned to face me before going to her room.  
"Don't pretend this hasn't happened, Jack," she said, smiling sadly. "Please."  
I grinned back at her. "How could I?"  
Gwen looked at me doubtfully, then went into her bedroom and closed the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it, folks! Something's happened, at least. But will it last?!  
> I decided to actually map out what is going to happen in this fic instead of playing it by 'ere, and it looks like it's going to run for a decent length. Hopefully I can keep going with it through 5th year in September, etc, etc.  
> Thanks for reading, don't forget to comment and give me your opinion! xx


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